i'm sorry Alben

i had the most horrible dream last night.

i was married to a husband who's face i couldn't see but who i know and who's voice is so familiar but i can't place it. i became pregnant and had a baby boy. i named him Alben. as a couple years went on, my husband saw that Alben looked nothing like him and demanded a paternity test. it turned out to be eric's child from the time he had sex with me in the forest. i tried to explain it to my husband but he didn't want Alben. i told eric but he didn't want our son either because he had no money and no job to support our child. both of them told me i had to put my son up for adoption. they took me to an adoption convention in some field where parents were laughing and talking and the kids who would soon be given up were running around happily with each other. it was the sickest site i've ever seen. the children had no idea what was happening and the parents acted so casually like they hadn't a care in the world. alben was holding onto my leg as eric and my husband were chatting with another family. i couldn't let Alben go. my son was too beautiful and too innocent. he had no idea i considered letting him go. all i wanted was to have my son and to give him a chance and a good life. i started screaming and ran into the woods with Alben. i can't get my unborn son's picture out of my mind. i woke up and i was actually sobbing knowing that i was about to give up my only son to a sick place. i have never felt so sad. i love him more than anything in this world and i would rather die than let anything happen to him. this may seem odd as Alben isn't real yet. i don't know what happened after i took him with me into the woods. i felt as if something was missing today...almost as if i had actually lost my son. i couldn't stop crying...even now, retelling my dream, i'm crying.